Rants In Our Pants

Valentines Day Massacres: 10 Couples Who Should Call it Quits

Some couples are meant to last forever. Not this crew. Whether you’re Tiger & Elin, Brad & Angelina, or Tom & Katie, the best time for breaking up is right now — before Valentines hits.

By (@tynanwrites)

February 12, 2010

It’s almost Valentines Day, and that means just one thing. Either you’re on the hook for an expensive present and an overpriced dinner, or it’s time to make the break.

In fact, February 13 has been designated “Get Out Now Day” by entrepreneur Adam Adams, who’s using Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren Woods as his first poster couple.

“Time and time again, I see people in relationships that are 100 percent dead after year two, yet continue to hold on for fear of being alone or losing contact with their children,” he says. “We have designated a day that one can focus on, to use to build up the courage, to step forward and put an end to their personal monotony, while simultaneously opening up a whole new world of great experiences and wondrous freedom for them to encounter.”

Adams says he’s never been married and never wants to be. He also adds that he is not a divorce attorney. But we think he’s onto something here.

We’ve picked 10 famous couples that should seriously consider separate living arrangements. Should they stay or should they go? We know how we’d vote. Register your own thoughts in the comments below.

Tiger & Elin Woods

This one’s a no brainer. The only question is whether she’ll be granted custody of his testicles. (We think he should at least get visitation rights on alternate weekends.)

Our verdict: Please. Get a good lawyer, penetrate that pre-nup, and get the hell out.

IF YOU CAN READ THIS PHANTOM TEXT…

Charlie Sheen & Brooke Mueller

You pay good money for a set of Ginsu knives, you should be able to use them once in a while. Even if it’s just to demonstrate your sushi technique at 3 AM.

Our verdict: How can anybody stay mad at Charlie Sheen?

THEN THERE IS SOMETHING HORRIBLY WRONG WITH YOUR COMPUTER…

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie

She’s crazier than a shit house rat and he looks more like a lawn gnome with each passing day. (OK, an extremely handsome lawn gnome.) Not that we’re saying they’re going to break up. (We are not about to get our asses sued.) And what about the tabloids? Can’t someone please think about the tabloids?

Our verdict: On advice of our attorneys, we decline comment

OR YOUR SMARTPHONE (YES, EVEN YOUR IPHONE)…

Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher

The uber-Cougar still has wicked claws and dangerous curves, but 32-year-old Ashton isn’t getting any younger. Demi needs fresh blood. Fortunately, Levi Johnston is available.

Our verdict: Dump that tool, girlfriend. Preferably before your next augmentation.

DO NOT TURN OFF YOUR MACHINE…

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

Katie, Katie, Katie. He’s gay. And a Scientologist. And a friggin’ whackjob. Surely your contract is up by now?

Our verdict: Don’t wait til you snag the Oscar. Leave now.

INSTEAD, CLICK THE PRIVACY LINK AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE. GO ON, WE’LL WAIT. HAVE YOU FOUND IT YET? GOOD.


Marilyn Manson & Evan Rachel Wood

She plays a vampire on TV; he is one. So they’ve that going for them.

Our verdict: A match made in Twilight heaven.

AND LOOK FOR OUR MAILING ADDRESS. IT’S NEAR THE END OF THE PAGE….

John Mayer & Whomever He’s Banging This Week

We give it two months, tops. Unless it’s Jessica “Napalm” Simpson again, in which case we give it three days plus another three weeks in the LA County burn ward.

Our verdict: He’ll be doing it all over again with someone else – wait, he already is.

COPY THE ADDRESS ONTO THE FRONT OF AN ENVELOPE….

Levi Johnston & His Hockey Glove

You know what they say: You never forget your first glove.

Our verdict: A definite improvement on Bristol Palin, if only for the mother-in-law factor.

AND PUT $500 INSIDE (CASH ONLY, NO CHECKS)….

Perez Hilton & His Stylist

Ditch that bitch. He is doing you no good at all, girlfriend.

Our verdict: It’s the classic co-dependent relationship; Perez will never leave him.

PUT A STAMP ON IT, AND DROP THE ENVELOPE IN THE MAIL. (YOU DID REMEMBER TO INCLUDE THE CASH, RIGHT?) AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE YOUR PAYMENT, WE’LL SEND YOU THE SOLUTION. WE PROMISE.

Robert Scoble & Michael Arrington

It’s the love that dare not tweet its name. Talk about a ManCrunch.

Our verdict: We think we just made ourselves ill.

WOULD WE LIE TO YOU?

Broken Heart graphic from Tales of the Vinyl Village






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Comments

  • B M

    Having just recenntly discovered this website, something is becoming more and more clear with each article I read on this site. It just never is complete without the mentioning of Arrington is it? You guys are obsessed.

    • http://www.esarcasm.com JR Raphael

      What can we say? Love is a powerful thing.

      • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

        he completes us. (sigh)

  • patty3

    Effin' hilarious!

  • Chris

    Cash is in the mail…. Hopefully you guys will send me a solution soon! I dont want my computer to Splode!!!

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      and we have a winner! as soon as we get your $500 (monopoly money doesn't count) we'll email you the fix.

      as for the rest of you… you'll just have to scratch your heads and wonder WTF.

  • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

    and we have a winner! as soon as we get your $500 (monopoly money doesn't count) we'll email you the fix.

    as for the rest of you… you'll just have to scratch your heads and wonder WTF.