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The Real Anatomy of a Twitter Whale

Strap on your scuba gear, kiddos: It’s time for a lesson in Twitter biology.

By (@JRRaphael)

February 10, 2010

Note: The following is a response to “The Anatomy of a Whale,” a story posted at Twitter’s official engineering blog on Tuesday.

Sometimes it’s really hard to figure out what’s causing annoying tweets on a Web service like Twitter. But over time we have learned some techniques that help us identify the many varieties of douchery that occur in this complex environment.

Our scientific team has painstakingly mapped out the ecosystem of total Twitter tools as they relate to the body of the iconic Fail Whale. Behold, then, the real anatomy of a Twitter whale:

  • The Blowhole: Better known by its colloquial name, “The Ashton.”
  • The Blubber: A thick layer of fat that accounts for as much as 30 percent of Twitter’s weight; frequently observed in the form of tweets sent by @GuyKawasaki.
  • The Mammary Glands: Proudly displayed by Twitter’s bevy of hot chicks who are probably fake.
  • The Fluke: The random Twitter users who, for no discernable reason, have huge followings. See also: @jennadawn, @juliaallison, @iamdiddy
  • The Anus: Spews out lots of useless shit; also known as @PerezHilton.
  • The Genital Slit: Area of Twitter viewed by males during “reproductive-related activities.” See also: @officialTila.
  • The Dorsal Fin: Stabilizes the body, providing a calm and rational sense of balance. Antonym: @SarahPalinUSA.

For more highly scientific Twitter knowledge, check out these other exclusive eSarcasm reports:

  1. Chart: The Truth About Twitter’s Traffic
  2. To Follow or Not to Follow: A Twitter Guide
  3. 25 Ways to Be a Total Tool on Twitter

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