Alternate Reality

Exposé: The Truth About Google’s Nexus One Phone Support

Google is now offering phone-based support for its Nexus One smartphone — but there’s something about the hotline Google doesn’t want you to know.

By (@JRRaphael)

February 9, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Stop the presses: Five weeks after unveiling its life-changing Nexus One superphone, Google has started taking phone calls to support the larger-than-life device.

The G-Team unveiled a new customer support hotline this week, according to Google’s Nexus One help site. Dial 1-888-48-NEXUS, and a fully functioning more or less conscious creature will cheerfully solve your problems breathe into your ear.

The high-profile help desk, however, bears a closely guarded secret. A secret that, until now, few have known.

While most Google employees work in the company’s cushy Mountain View campus, eSarcasm has learned the Nexus One support staff actually operates out of a rundown taco store/veterinary clinic in Tijuana. But that’s not the most shocking part of all.

Google’s phone support specialists, it appears, are all goats.

According to sources familiar with the situation*, Google made the decision to hire and train an all-goat support staff not only for cost-saving considerations (woody shrubs are far cheaper than those gourmet meals they serve in Mountain View), but also because executives felt the goats could provide better service than their human counterparts.

“This decision came straight from Mr. Larry and Mr. Sergey,” reveals one veteran call center manager, a man known simply as Q (pictured at left). “They toured our finest facilities, listened in to some of our most skilled associates at work, and determined the goats could outperform us.”

The goats are herded into Google’s Nexus One call center every morning, our sources divulge, then outfitted with customized Bluetooth earpieces. Incoming calls are routed to the next available goat based upon the order in which they are received. Then, a high-tech call management system kicks in.

Following a prerecorded greeting message, callers hear their assigned goat-specialist breathing and making unintelligible noises. Moments later, the system places the caller on hold and transfers them to another goat. This process is repeated three times before the call is automatically disconnected.

Early feedback suggests most people are blissfully unaware of the goat-run nature of the operation; in fact, quality control surveys indicate the Nexus One support experience is frequently regarded as “more helpful” and “less frustrating” than typical human-run support centers.

Google representatives were not immediately available for comment.

*We should point out that our source was actually a gazelle we saw at the Oakland Zoo. But we’ll be damned if this isn’t what she told us.

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