Dr. Smartass

Does SMS Lead to SEX?

If you’re searching for someone to embrace this Valentine’s Day, your cell phone may be the best place to start. Dr. Smartass explains.

By (@doctorsmartass)

February 8, 2010

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. Smartass“V” words, my dear readers, can be both a blessing and a curse. Some of them are delightful — I’ll let you fill in the blanks — but others are sources of endless agony for those of us in the male species.

Case in point: Valentine. The Hallmark-made holiday is right around the corner, and that means men everywhere are stressing over what (or whom) they’ll be doing.

From my inbox:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

I somehow end up on the world’s worst dry streak right around Valentine’s Day every damn year. Tell me how to seal the deal with someone new between now and Sunday. Please.


Paul, you doll, I sympathize with your sexless state. Mrs. S tends to get overly emotional this time of year, and I end up pondering the many ways I could be seducing hoards of lustful lasses.

My own personal tail-touching troubles aside, I have a tip for you (and no, not that tip — your trusty virtual doc may be a sexual deviant, but his interests lie strictly within the female species). The trick resides right in your cell phone.

Now, we’ve all heard about those crazy teens and their incessant sexting shenanigans. I’m not suggesting you go out and send “AMAMCF” to some stranger on the street — that tactic only works if you’re between the ages of 14 and 17, I believe — but tapping the right keys could actually help you tap something else.

Research, my virtual disciples, suggests texting is officially the new way to woo. A highly scientific study by the gang at AT&T finds pushing your phone’s buttons can, in fact, push a lady’s buttons. (Sure, there might be a conflict of interest, but my own analyses support the conclusion — so we’ll stick with it.)

Time to put business aside and get back to our business of getting down to business: According to the study, 68 percent of people say they send “love notes” via text message, and another 67 percent say they flirt over SMS. Sixty-nine percent, meanwhile, say: “Heh, 69.”

Lest you think I’m blowing smoke up your arse, more than a quarter of texters surveyed swore they’d be more likely to accept a first date with someone after first exchanging texts with the sultry suitor.

Before you jump in fingers-first, however, consider this: Whether talking or texting, what you actually say to a lady still counts. Of course, it all depends on the kind of gals you’re going after. The ladies who take interest in someone like your dear Dr. S tend to be impressed by something as simple as “I luv ur a$$.” But we can’t all be so lucky.

One final warning: The study also found a full 84 percent of people believe sexy texts can easily be misunderstood or misinterpreted. So drop those fancy money signs and just write “ass” to be safe.

Still not convinced? We’ll conduct our own little survey here to prove the point. Vote in the poll below, and you’ll soon see just how powerful the right kind of text can be.


You may truly be an awkward nerd,
But don’t you fret — you can write a word.
So grab your phone and send a text,
And you never know, you might get sexed.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

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