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40 Numbers You Should Never Forget

Forget every analysis you’ve ever read — these 40 numbers are the most important figures compiled in the history of mankind. Read them. Study them. Make sweet love to them. Repeat.

By (@eSarcasm)

February 4, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Some things are tough to quantify. How big of a douche is Ashton Kutcher? How many penises has Paris Hilton fellated? Try as you might, you simply cannot come up with numerical values.

Other things, however, are practically made for numbers. A recent study by Royal Pingdom broke our digital world down into digits. Among the RP crew’s findings: Ninety trillion e-mails were sent in 2009, and 27.3 million tweets are typed out every goddamned day.

We here at eSarcasm love numbers, so we decided to come up with some calculations of our own. Are they as scientific as Royal Pingdom’s measurements? Of course not. But are they way more inappropriate and entertaining?

That, my friends, is one thing you can count on.

Your World, In Numbers

  • The number of products that were called “something-killers” in 2009: 42.
  • The percentage of people who call products “something-killers” that we’d like to kill: 100.

  • The number of alleged NYC skanks we’d like to see naked: 1.
  • The number of alleged NYC skanks we’ll likely see naked: 0.

  • The number of girls who revealed their bra color on Facebook last month: 1.2 million.
  • The number of guys who revealed their bra color on Facebook last month: 1.
  • His cup size: 42DD.
  • Number of major Web companies that rebranded themselves in 2009: 2 (AOL and Yahoo).
  • Number of major Web companies that will rebrand themselves in 2011: 2 (AOL and Yahoo).

  • The number of porn videos watched online every day: 7.3 trillion.
  • The percentage of those porn videos being watched by eSarcasm staff members: 17.

  • The number of stories on this site that contain a reference to Steve Jobs: 48.
  • The number that contain a reference to blowjobs: 17.
  • The probability that we’re currently thinking about the latter: 92.
  • The number of times the word “number” appears in this story: 41
  • The number of times we almost included the number 69 for our own amusement: 69.
  • The number of times we actually did: 2.

  • The number of times immature sex jokes have gotten us anywhere with women: 0.
  • The number of times we’ve stopped trying: 0.

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