40 Numbers You Should Never Forget

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Some things are tough to quantify. How big of a douche is Ashton Kutcher? How many penises has Paris Hilton fellated? Try as you might, you simply cannot come up with numerical values.

Other things, however, are practically made for numbers. A recent study by Royal Pingdom broke our digital world down into digits. Among the RP crew’s findings: Ninety trillion e-mails were sent in 2009, and 27.3 million tweets are typed out every goddamned day.

We here at eSarcasm love numbers, so we decided to come up with some calculations of our own. Are they as scientific as Royal Pingdom’s measurements? Of course not. But are they way more inappropriate and entertaining?

That, my friends, is one thing you can count on.

Your World, In Numbers

• The number of tweets sent by Guy Kawasaki in January: 247 billion.
• The number of tweets Guy Kawasaki actually typed himself: 4.
• Number of tweets Guy actually read: 0.

• The number of nipples exposed in sexting messages last year: 14.3 billion.
• How many of those nipples belonged to eSarcasm’s Dan Tynan: 3. (Don’t ask.)

• The number of Apple-related rumors published on the Internet in the past two months: 7.3 billion.
• The number of hard-ons experienced by Apple fanboys while reading those rumors: 24 trillion.
• The number of times Apple fanboys had to change their shorts after reading those rumors: 23.9 trillion.

• The number of products that were called “something-killers” in 2009: 42.
• The percentage of people who call products “something-killers” that we’d like to kill: 100.

• The number of iPads Apple is expected to sell in the next two years: 8 million.
• Percentage of those iPads that’ll be bought by Robert Scoble: 93.

• The number of alleged NYC skanks we’d like to see naked: 1.
• The number of alleged NYC skanks we’ll likely see naked: 0.

• The number of hacks TechCrunch endured: 2.
• The number of hacks TechCrunch employs: 7.

• The number of times we’ve used the iPad to make CrunchPad jokes: 29.
• The number of people who still remember what the CrunchPad was: 1.

• The number of tech-related lawsuits filed in 2009: 7,212.
• The number of aforementioned lawsuits that involved us: 14.
• The number of yards Dr. Smartass must keep between himself and school playgrounds as a result of those lawsuits: 500.

• The number of people Tiger Woods fucked in 2009: too many to count.
• The number of people AT&T fucked in 2009: also too many to count.

• The number of girls who revealed their bra color on Facebook last month: 1.2 million.
• The number of guys who revealed their bra color on Facebook last month: 1.
• His cup size: 42DD.

• Number of major Web companies that rebranded themselves in 2009: 2 (AOL and Yahoo).
• Number of major Web companies that will rebrand themselves in 2011: 2 (AOL and Yahoo).

• The number of times Apple’s PR department has ignored or otherwise avoided a legitimate media request we’ve submitted: 10,439.
• The probability that our incessant mocking of Apple has something to do with that: 87.

• The number of porn videos watched online every day: 7.3 trillion.
• The percentage of those porn videos being watched by eSarcasm staff members: 17.

• The number of stories on this site that contain a reference to Steve Jobs: 48.
• The number that contain a reference to blowjobs: 17.
• The probability that we’re currently thinking about the latter: 92.

• The number of times the word “number” appears in this story: 41
• The number of times we almost included the number 69 for our own amusement: 69.
• The number of times we actually did: 2.

• The number of times immature sex jokes have gotten us anywhere with women: 0.
• The number of times we’ve stopped trying: 0.

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