Alternate Reality

Apple Building its Own iPad Killer

Sources say the new Apple MaxiPad will be larger, faster, and more absorbent than the iPad, but still leave you feeling fresh and feminine.

By (@tynanwrites)

February 2, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

In an effort to stave off competition to its new game-changing slate PC, Apple is creating its own iPad killer, just days after revealing the wondertablet to a desperately grateful world.

According to a report in TechCrunch, Apple is "hard at work on a second device… a bigger one… much more like a Mac than an iPhone."

(According to second- and third-hand sources, TechCrunch has denied it’s simply making this shit up because it desperately needs new rumors to flog, now that the iPad is old news and the CrunchPad is verklempt.)

Extremely knowledgeable sources* say the new Apple MaxiPad will be 22 inches wide and weigh 16 pounds. To alleviate issues with portability, it will be physically implanted into the bodies of its owners. Analysts say the surgical procedure is irreversible, but most Apple fanboys won’t care.

"Fondling Apple products while touching themselves is pretty much all Apple fanboys do," said the source. "This will allow them to do both at the same time."

In related news, Steve Jobs told Google to suckle his balls.

* They once scored like 150 points on a Facebook IQ quiz.

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