Dr. Smartass

Wait — There’s Urine WHERE?!

What seemingly normal product is hiding urine inside? Dr. Smartass answers that and other burning questions in a special power-round edition of reader Q&A.

By (@doctorsmartass)

February 1, 2010

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassMy dear disciples, you’re in for a treat. To honor the start of February, we’re taking things up a notch this week with three thrilling questions from my always entertaining inbox.

The first question involves an unexpected dose of bodily fluids — and in this case, it’s probably not a good thing.

Let’s dive right in:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

I wear a couple of kinds of knockoff perfumes that I get really cheap. They smell just like the real ones to me. Can anyone tell the difference?


Sara, you may not be able to smell the difference, but let me spell it out for you: Those counterfeit perfumes may contain urine, among other similarly delightful substances.

A study published by Harper’s Bazaar finds that many counterfeit scents are filled with pee, bacteria, and antifreeze — and even worse, it can all get absorbed into your skin when you spray the stuff on.

“You’re putting something on your face, on your neck, on your wrists. Those are sensitive parts of the body, so, to have active ingredients that could endanger your life is a very serious health risk,” says Harper’s Bazaar publisher Valerie Salembier.

On the upside, at least this golden shower leaves you smelling like jasmine, orange, and a hint of nutmeg.

Dear Dr. Smartass,

We need to come up with a test to tell how hot-or-not someone really is from the way they write on the Web. You’ve got to wonder about some of these big-ego bloggers out there. Any ideas?


Anne, you’ve come to the right place for an answer — and it turns out the test is really quite simple. From my research, anyone writing on the Web with a doctor-based pen name is incredibly attractive (and also impressively endowed) in real life. I don’t know the science behind it, but follow that formula and you will never be led astray.

Dear Dr. Smartass,

What’s with all the immature sex jokes? Can’t you come up with anything more sophisticated to say? It can get pretty hard on a reader to see the same tired teenage-level humor over and over again.


Alan, you’re absolutely right. Also, FYI, you said “hard on.”


Bodily functions can be lots of fun,
So go ahead and laugh when I say the word “come.”
Just don’t let yourself get lost in your glee,
Your perfume, after all, is still filled with pee.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

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