5 Stupid Questions: Hunch.com

Can’t decide what to have for lunch or whether to marry that lout who’s been sleeping in your bed? Don’t think, visit Hunch.com and troll the ‘wisdom of the crowd.’ Along with Bing, Hunch is yet another in what appears to be a tsunami of “decision engines” built to prop up our feeble synapses.

Of course, the more Hunch knows about you, the better job it will do in helping you make decisions. So Hunch asks many many many questions. Like: Do you live in the city or the suburbs? Do you sing in the shower? Who’s hotter, Nicole Kidman or George Clooney? Who’s your favorite Sesame Street character? Do you like the smell of Play-Doh? Do you believe in alien abductions? How do you feel about clowns? Do you prefer to cut your sandwiches horizontally or diagonally? Can you do 10 pull-ups?

No, we’re not making any of this up. And yes, as a matter of fact I can do 10 pull-ups. I’ve been waiting years for someone to ask me that. Thanks, Hunch.

If you prefer, you can skip right over all this nosiness and go straight to the ‘decision box,’ where you tell Hunch what you’re trying to suss out. It will then ask you a series of additional questions (but not more than 10) and present its recommendations. Nifty, no?

Other folks apparently think so. Tech journo types have been slobbering all over themselves in praise of Hunch. But here at eSarcasm, we are not so easily swayed. We thought we’d put Hunch to the test. And because we’ve been waiting decades for an excuse to put that English degree to good use, we made it a literary test, starting of course with the Old Bard.

1. Should I suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them?

A perfectly reasonable question if you’re the moody indecisive prince-of-Denmark type, but not one Hunch is prepared to answer. In fact, all Hunch can do is try to guess at what we’re really asking. As for its guesses, well, judge for yourself:

“Blings and arrows”? Really?

“Yo, Hamlet, lets gets us some bitches and a couple 40s and dig up old Yorick.”

In Hunch’s defense, the stuff at the bottom about a “Grandiosity Paranoia” complex is kind of right on. Still, we have to score the first round as: 0 for 1.

2. Why are we born to suffer and die?

Your basic Philosophy 101 existential angst question, yet once again Hunch screws the pooch.

We’re sorry, but somebody needs to explain to us how we get from “Why are we born to suffer and die” to “Should I wear bunny ears to work tomorrow” in just seven steps.

And how exactly is this Camusian koan related to touchscreen smartphones, fun activities for toddlers, or Buffalo Wings? The mind reels.

Score: 0 for 2

3. Is this the face that launched a thousand ships, and burnt the topless towers of Ileum?

Hunch whiffs again on the Faustus quote, but somehow clues in to the subtle references to office equipment buried throughout Marlowe’s classic text.

Also, Helen of Troy used Avon Face Cream. Who knew?

However, because we’re feeling generous, we’ll award Hunch half a point for recommending Fawlty Towers (twice).

Score: 0.5 for 3

4. What hath God wrought?

Samuel Morse’s famous telegram also stumps Hunch, which apparently thinks God is in the plumbing business.

On the other hand, we were intrigued by the “What’s the meaning of life?” response and pursued that one. Eight questions later we arrived at the answer we expected:

Douglas Adams references aside, we’re not buying it.

Score: 0.5 for 4

5. Do I dare to eat a peach?

Finally, Hunch hits one out of the park. Apparently, the MIT geeks who programmed Hunch manage to squeeze in a little T. S. Eliot, probably during a potty break.

Yes, we answered, we measure our lives in coffee spoons, wear the bottom of our trousers rolled, have lingered in the chambers of the sea, are not meant to be Prince Hamlet, and do hear the women come and go speaking of Michaelangelo.

True, we have seen the moment of our greatness flicker (not Flickr). But we really wish those damned mermaids would stop singing.

Final score: 1.5 out of 5.

Overall, Hunch batted an even .300, perfectly respectable for any major leaguer. Still we think it needs to bulk up on steroids – and possibly read a few good books – before we use it to decide anything that really matters.

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