Alternate Reality

Top 10 Reasons Why TechCrunch Got Hacked

Our favorite Web site recently got pwned by an angry hacker — twice. TechCrunch hasn’t explained what really happened, but we have a few good ideas.

By (@eSarcasm)

January 28, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Earlier this week, TechCrunch got hacked and defaced — twice — in 24 hours. (I guess with all the hub-bub over the Apple iPad we missed it. Damn.)

TechCrunch acknowledged the hack and promised to come up with an explanation for what happened. We’re still waiting for that.

Yep, still waiting. Dum dum dee dee. Still waiting. Any day now…

OK, we got tired of waiting, so we launched our own in-depth investigation. And by “in depth,” we mean shit we just made up. Here’s what really happened.

1. Arrington was so excited over the iPad announcement he spontaneously jizzed all over the servers, bringing them to a sticky standstill.*

2. Glitch in the new Arrington 2.0 interface caused the "invulnerable" property to momentarily deactivate.

3. It was the Chinese. We warned Arrington not to send back that Beef Brisket in Wikipedia Flavor he ordered the other night, but does he listen?

4. The site had to turn off its firewall to update its AutoRumor and AlwaysRight technology, and the hacker snuck through.

5. Poor security; the site’s master password was "ArringtonRulez."

6. Someone heard a rumor that TechCrunch was acquired by Google and went ahead and shut down the servers.

7. It was #@$!! Chandrasekar Rathakrishnan and his #@$!! JooJoo device. Never should have trusted that fucker.

8. TechCrunch was in late-stage negotiations with an Internet security vendor, only the talks fell through at the last minute. Or so we hear from normally reliable sources.

9. Arrington’s ego finally hit maximum capacity, forcing a buffer overflow the hacker was able to exploit.

10. Twitter finally got even for TechCrunch publishing those hacked docs. Next, they’re going to release the Michael Arrington sex tape.** And boy will we all be sorry then.


* Sorry. Hope you weren’t eating while reading this.

** This one too.

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