Rants In Our Pants

It’s True: The iPad Will Change the World

Praise Steve Jobs — Apple’s magical iPad is here. This thing really is revolutionary, too. Just not in the ways you might think.

By (@jr_raphael)

January 27, 2010

Well, it finally happened.

At 10:08 a.m. PST today, Steve Jobs shot off word that Apple’s tablet was the real deal.

At the same time, approximately 2.4 million Apple fanboys shot off in their shorts.

Of course, fanboy underwear isn’t the only thing that’ll be changed following today’s big Apple announcement. The revelation of the iPad really will alter the world — as it damn well should. We’ve been hearing about this thing nonstop for 97 years, after all.

Below are some of the many iPad-induced changes you can expect to see. And for more on the iPad’s introduction, be sure to click over to our live-blog coverage of the Apple event. *

Ways the iPad Will Change the World

  • Tampax will have to come up with a new name for its upcoming line of revolutionary feminine hygiene products.
  • iPod Touch owners will be able to brag that they own an “iPad Mini.” **
  • Thanks to the tablet’s intuitive touch-based interface, typing sexting messages with one hand will become easier than ever.
  • Unfortunately, hoards of sexting teens will quickly discover that “liquid damage” is not covered by Apple’s warranty.
  • Mass confusion will ensue at all Boston-area retail outlets when accent-heavy customers ask for an “iPod” (e.g. an “iPahd”). Prepare to hear frequent yelling of such phrases as: “I said iPahd, not iPad. Whatayou, fahkin’ retahdid?”
  • Google will develop new apps to take advantage of the iPad’s “magical” technology. Apple will reject them all.
  • With the rumor game over, uninventive bloggers will have to endlessly debate why the device is (a) a game-changer, (2) a huge letdown, or (d) ZOMG the kewlest thing evar!@~!1
  • iPad owners will become the envy of all other airline passengers — not because of anything the computer can do, mind you, but because it’ll make for a nice place to set a cup of juice.
  • Our Newton MessagePad 2100 will finally be back in style again. Anyone know when that iPhone 4 update’s coming?
  • Four words: mobile porn, high-resolution.
  • Computing will never be the same, according to Robert Scoble, late-night TV host Jimmy Fallon, and some tool from TechCrunch — all of whom would have said that even if Apple had announced an Etch-a-Sketch in a shiny silver casing.
  • Aforementioned visionaries will badger the rest of us with incessant rants about how the iPad is the most important gadget ever. This will continue for several months, until Apple announces some other doohickey for them to become unnaturally aroused by.
  • All other gadgets, plants, and animals will soon cease to exist. The iPad was the “everything-killer,” right?

And finally:

  • The iPhone will no longer be the largest overhyped mobile device out there.

*Regarding the live blog, we should point out that we were actually banned from the premises of today’s Apple event. But we fabricated information from a sports bar that was really, really close.

**This joke courtesy of @DTNick. Well-played, sir.

(Tablet commandments image from MacDailyNews.com)






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Comments

  • bigyaz

    That's not at all how a Boston accent works. iPod becomes iPawd, not iPahd. Wouldn't be confused with iPad.

    • Chas

      “iPod becomes iPawd, not iPahd. Wouldn't be confused with iPad.” yes, but iPad becomes iPahd, so the net result is the same (confusion) LOL

  • gerryoginski

    Love the sarcasm! Love the tablet graphics of Jobs as Moses!

    Hilarious.

    Gerry

  • iBelieve

    Blasphemy! How dare you! Insulting the iGod! Burn in Redmond, burn!

  • mike

    nice! i frequently use “(a), (2), (d)” to list things. it's from Home Alone.

  • Les Goodman
    • http://www.esarcasm.com JR Raphael

      Uh oh. I hope he shalt not smite us…

  • Chas

    “iPod becomes iPawd, not iPahd. Wouldn't be confused with iPad.” yes, but iPad becomes iPahd, so the net result is the same (confusion) LOL

  • http://www.kingcashgold.ca cash for gold

    Apple's new iPad will change the way we do business in the field. It will change the way planners plan, architects build, marketers promote, distributors distribute, and inspectors inspect. It will revolutionize the way that municipal code enforcement officers, real estate brokers, transportation consultants, and utility companies operate. And it will change things forever. It will make things more efficient, easier to manage, and it will help create ways for humans to do things they've always done better, with fewer mistakes.