Alternate Reality

Live! The Apple Event! Happening Now!

Yes we are live blogging Apple’s Special Event today. Will they reveal a groovy new Web tablet? A new iPhone? Snicker doodles in the shape of Steve Jobs? Read on to find out.

By (@tynanwrites)

January 27, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

What will Apple reveal today? Will it be the iSlate or the iHate? The iPad or the MaxiPad? Check back here later for live coverage (well, nearly live coverage) of Apple’s big-deal special event today. You don’t want to miss it. (Nor, frankly, will you be able to avoid it.)

11:20 AM: Believe it or not, people are already lining up outside the Yerba Buena Center for this thing. First in line? Portly iPhone and Pope fan Greg Packer, obviously.

12:55 PM: Michael Arrington has just entered the room, carried in on a throne-chair borne by Nubian slaves. Leave it to Arrington to locate the only Nubians in San Francisco.

12:56 PM: No, wait, those aren’t Nubians; that’s TechCrunch editors Erick Schonfeld, Robin Wauters, and John Biggs, in blackface. Beats unemployment, I guess.

1:00 PM: That dude with the Rainbow Afro is here. (I didn’t know he’d been released from prison.) He’s holding up a sign saying “Jobs 3:16.” Must be a typo.

1:15 PM: Sorry, ducked out to take a whiz and got locked in the bathroom. Had to pound on the door and wait for a janitor to let me out. Did I miss anything?

1:19 PM: Oh fuck me sweet Jesus. He led with the iPad. I was sure we were gonna get 45 minutes of blather about ILife2010. Fucking Jobs.

1:20 PM: It looks pretty cool I must say:

But I gotta wonder…. it seems a little big. I mean, Jobs looks like an action figure beside it.

1:25 PM: Oh. Apparently it’s the size of a paperback novel. Not the Nicholas Sparks kind, more like a Steven King. My bad.

1:30 PM: Hey, you can read the New York Times on it. Check out this cool pic from Gizmodo (which you can tell by the word “Gizmodo” on the bottom):

Damn if that doesn’t look like a certain “dead simple Web tablet” I seem to recall reading about….

Probably just a coincidence.

1:35 PM: Per Gizmodo: “The operating system on the tablet is based on iPhone OS, which is in turn loosely based on OS X.” Application approval will be governed by Apple’s usual rules, which are based on governmental principles used in Red China.

1:42 PM: Ok, now this is truly amazing. If you buy an iPad, your dog will suddenly know how to surf.

I knew Jobs was good, but I didn’t know he was this good.

1:50 PM: Wait, it gets better. You can buy books and download them directly to the iPad from five big publishers. Has somebody called it a “Kindle Killer” yet? Can I be the first? Can I, Can I?

And check this out:

They even managed to bring Ted Kennedy back from the grave. Did I tell you he was good?

1:55 PM: Have I mentioned you can use the iPad to watch live sports and play games? Sorry: You can use the iPad to watch live sports and play games.

However, it still won’t make the Giants suck any less. Hey, there are some miracles even St. Stephen of Jobs can’t pull off.

1:57 PM: There’s even a version of iWork for the iPad. Because this is unspeakably boring, they’ve dragged Phil Schiller out to demo it. This seems like a good time to hunt down some snacks.

2:05 PM: And now they’re displaying the Great Wall of China on this sucker. See? You thought we were kidding about the whole Apple-Red China connection. But no.

2:11 PM: Steve Jobs is back on stage. “Isn’t it great?”

2:12 PM: Yes, Steve. It is great. Not as great as you though.

2:14 PM: And now for the money questions. Free WiFi access? You got it. 3G? It’ll cost you, but not the usual rectal surgery the wireless companies put you through.

The bad news, boys and girls? Yes, those three hateful little letters: AT&T. Go on, boo and hiss. You know you want to.

2:18 PM: And the question you’ve all been wondering about. What will this sucker cost? Will it cost $999? $899? Sweet Jesus in Heaven, are we asking $799? No. The iPad’s list price at retail: a piddly $499.

2:20 PM: Yes, you heard that right: $499. Some guy just screamed “holy shit!” Oh, sorry, that was me.

2:21 PM: But that was just the introductory price. You want the memory, connectivity, yadda yadda, we’re talking real money:

2:26 PM: Suddenly this rough character shows up on screen. I have no idea who he is, but he says if we don’t hand over $50,000 in small unmarked bills, he won’t let Steve Jobs back on stage again.

2:30 PM: Whew, that was close. Fortunately, he was willing to take a check.

2:33 PM: Here’s the money quote: “Our most advanced technology in a magical and revolutionary device at an unbelievable price.” Now say that three times fast.

See? I wasn’t making that up.

2:36 PM: And shazam! It’s over. For the finale, Steve has invited General Larry Platt from American Idol up on stage with him, and they’re doing a duet of “Pants on the Ground.”

It’s kind of amazing to watch. Jobs can really bust a move. Look — he’s spinning on his head. Amazing.

2:39 PM: I haven’t seen break dancing like that since The Lockers tore up the Mike Douglas Show in 1974. That guy can do firggin’ anything.

Well, I feel like I’ve been ridden hard and put away wet. Thanks for joining us. See you at the next changing-life-as-we-know-it press event.

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter