Alternate Reality

10 Ways Microsoft’s Zune Phone Will Rock Your World

Want features like a blue-screen-of-death background and Vista Emulator app? Microsoft’s upcoming Zune Phone may be just the thing for you.

By (@JRRaphael)

January 20, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Attention, Windows-lovers: The world’s first full-fledged Microsoft phone may finally be upon us. Just days after Google unveiled its Nexus One super-duper-megalicious-geniusphone, rumor has it Microsoft is aiming to follow suit.

Microsoft’s long-discussed “Project Pink” is the real deal, according to some know-it-all analyst — and, despite its salacious-sounding name, it’s evidently not about a lady’s fun bits. (Too bad.)

Instead, say the clairvoyants at Jefferies and Company, “Pink” will be a Microsoft-branded Zune Phone. It’ll allegedly be built by a third-party partner, like the Nexus, and will pack a five-megapixel camera with HD-video support and integrated music-purchasing options.

The analyst’s information ends there — but luckily, eSarcasm is here to fill in the Pink holes. Hey, it’s what we do.

Microsoft’s Zune Phone: 10 Facts About Project Pink*

1. The Nexus One may have those fancy “live wallpapers,” but Microsoft’s Zune Phone includes fully functioning blue and black screen of death backgrounds (whether you want them or not).

2. Forget that spiffy Photoshop Mobile app — the Zune Phone has its own built-in eRace Photo Editor, letting you alter anyone’s race in minutes!

3. Despite our best efforts, Apple will probably never allow iPorn on its devices. But Microsoft will, thanks to Project Pink’s Bang for Mobile search application. Also available: Bang Only When Married, the Christian alternative.

4. Worried you’ll miss your favorite iPhone apps? No need to fear: Microsoft plans to Plurk the code of Apple’s most popular apps and make them all available under alternate names.

5. The Zune Phone will also have exclusive access to exciting new Windows Mobile apps, including Vista Emulator, BALLmer Buster, and Microsoft Power Gamer Pack 1.0 For Windows Mobile Home Users Ultimate Edition.

6. Sick of hearing about that online-only tech support driving Nexus One users batty? With the Zune Phone, you’ll have access to India’s finest almost-comprehensible call center specialists. With average hold times of only 7.9 hours and typical per-call transfers now down to 14, you’ll never have to rely on those pokey Web support forums again.

7. The Zune Phone is all about choice. Whether you select Windows Mobile 7 Home Premium, Windows Mobile 7 Professional Upgrade Ultimate, or Windows Mobile 7 Ultimate Premium Home Superbadass Millennium Power Edition, you’ll find features that don’t quite work for your lifestyle and computing needs.

8. Screw Safari. Wave goodbye to WebKit. The Zune Phone comes preloaded with Internet Explorer 6, baby. Internet Explorer 6 for Mobile, that is. It’s way better than the desktop version, with as few as 4,832 security flaws (40% less than regular IE6!).

9. The Apple fanboys might be all hip and cool — but damn it, the Microsoft fanboys take up way more land mass. Welcome to the club. Now go eat a deep-fried sandwich.

10. We’re not gonna lie: Microsoft will practically blow you to get you to buy one of these things. Look, this phone has to work. Otherwise, Ballmer’s back to selling Ginsu knives on late-night TV.

* Just to be clear, by “facts,” we mean “things we made up.” Except for #10. That one’s more or less true.

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