Rants In Our Pants

Cracking the Code: Apple’s January 27th Special Event

Apple has issued yet another mysterious invitation to a special event. What does it mean? We have no effin’ clue. But we do have several really good theories.

By (@eSarcasm)

January 19, 2010

If cryptic and mysterious invitations to the unveiling of overhyped gadgets were an art form, Apple is Picasso. Nobody does cryptic and mysterious like the crew from Cupertino. And so it is with the invite Apple emailed yesterday to yet another “special event” next week.

Splashy, ain’t it?

Apple has invited geek journalists of the world to join them on January 27th at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts in San Francisco, where they will unveil the new Apple Tablet.* Or the iPhone 4. Or iLife 2010. Or the news that Steve Jobs was really the Fifth Beatle.

We really don’t know. And neither does anybody else whose paychecks are not signed by Steve Jobs. Good luck getting them to cop to that, though.

At eSarcasm, we freely admit we have no fucking idea what this invitation really means. But we have plenty of completely uninformed deeply well reasoned theories.

Theory #1: Apple is introducing iPaintball. Interesting, but hardly seems worth the cost of the auditorium.

Theory #2: It’s a business announcement: Apple has merged with Skittles.

Theory #3: Steve Jobs has finally taken one hit of acid too many. (We all knew this day would come.)

Theory #4: Apple is getting into the abstract art business. This is what it looks like when Jackson Pollock hurls.

Theory #5: Apple hired the same assclowns who came up with ‘Aol.’s new logos, and by the time they were finished it was too late to ask for a refund.

Theory #6: The famed Apple tablet will be unveiled, but the rumor-mongers got it all wrong: It’s not a portable supercomputer, it’s an updated Etch-a-Sketch. (Sons of bitches stole our idea.)

Theory #7: “Come see our latest creation” is an anagram for “auto erotic coarse elements.” As we predicted, Apple is getting into the iPorn business. It’s about fucking time.

Theory #8: Then again, it could also be an anagram for “remote lost cause erection.” That’s it — Apple is releasing the long-rumored iAgra app for the iPhone. Finally Apple fanboys will be able to get a woody over something other than Mac OS X.

Theory #9: The Apple event isn’t a product unveiling at all; it’s an early celebration of next month’s Carnaval holiday. Just wait till you see Stevie-boy’s costume.

Theory #10: This is actually a PET scan of Steve Jobs’ old (analog) liver. It has nothing to do with new products Apple is announcing; they just ran completely out of dancing silhouettes wearing white ear buds and figured, WTF.

Theory #11: The invitation is crystal clear: Apple is finally going to admit that the iPhone really is from The Island of Misfit Toys.

Theory #12: Apple is merging with Disney/Pixar. Its first release: Avatar 2: The Rainbow Army Attacks.

Theory #13: The invitation was designed by that damn human-iPhone clone we’ve been talking about. Something went wrong with the cloning process, though, and the phone-bot has the mental capacity of a 4-year-old.

Theory #14: As we predicted, Apple’s getting into the world of children’s games. Either that, or they’re just having kids design their invites to save on cash.

Theory #15: Four Teletubbies. One steamroller. No mercy.

*Special prizes will be handed out to attendees who offer to donate one or more of their bodily organs to the Steve Jobs Immortality Foundation. Or so we hear.

Cool steamroller image from MarshallArt.com, but found here.

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