Alternate Reality

Tiger Woods Enters Sex Clinic to Retool His Tool

After years of relentless use, Li’l Tiger is finally going in for an overhaul — and a well deserved rest.

By (@tynanwrites)

January 18, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Links legend Tiger Woods has reportedly checked into the Pine Grove Sex Rehabilitation clinic in Hattiesberg, Mississippi, where his club of choice will undergoing a long-overdue overhaul.

According to sources inside the clinic, Tiger’s tool will require intensive cosmetic surgery to remove years of accumulated debris. Pine Grove technicians will also be performing a soup-to-nuts upgrade, adding Macpherson struts for greater stability and a new hydraulics system with specially formulated liquid coolant.

“It’s a good thing he brought it in when he did,” said one rehab specialist who asked to remain unnamed. “The pounding that thing took — it’s a wonder it hadn’t fallen off yet.”

The techs also plan to add custom skank-avoidance subroutines to Tiger’s firmware, per a request from his wife, Elin Nordegren Woods.

In order to fully recuperate, Tiger will need to take his tool offline for six weeks, his longest period of enforced abstinence since entering puberty at age 9.

To decrease temptation, Woods has been allowed to bunk without a roommate. Other residents of the facility have been warned to avoid being caught alone with Tiger, especially near the showers; instructed to leave loose change and other dropped items on the floor instead of bending over to pick them up; and urged to sleep on their backs wearing a catcher’s mask.*

Eyewitnesses have reported seeing Tiger in and about Hattiesburg, driving a white Ford Bronco slowly down Interstate 59 while wearing a false beard.

Woods has also been ordered to avoid coming within 500 yards of a Hooters Restaurant, making navigation around the state of Mississippi more difficult.

* Yes, I stole that joke from “Two and a Half Men.”

Tiger photo: CelebritySmack.

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