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eSarcasm Pulls Out of China

Even the world’s greatest geek humor site can only take so much evil. Like Google, we’re giving China the finger — and a lot more. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@eSarcasm)

January 14, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

A statement from eSarcasm:

Joining in solidarity with our comrades at Google, we have elected to no longer do business with China.

We reached this gut-wrenching decision after discovering that our email servers had been hacked, our computers infected with spyware, our DVD collection totally messed up, and our cat impregnated.

Only one force on the planet had the capacity and resources to do this: The evil red empire. We are ultimately compelled to say, enough is enough.

In addition, we’re taking the following steps, effectively immediately:

* De-friend Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao on Facebook. We’re deleting all his tweets, too, the fucker.

* Stop ordering takeout from the Green Tea restaurant (though we’re really going to miss the Beef Brisket in Wikipedia Flavor).

* Officially withdraw our applications to become Chinese astronauts. We never would have passed the "pleasant and adaptable disposition" requirement, anyway.

* No longer watch reruns of “Kung Fu” on TVLand. This is an especially large sacrifice for JR, whose favorite office past time is playing “snatch the pebble from my hand, grasshopper” (only he’s not holding a pebble — ’nuff said).

* Delete those oppressive iLove the Government and Cultural Twitterlution apps from our our iPhones. From now on it’s strictly Ho-B-gone and iPhat.

* Cancel plans for a sweatshop in Shanghai that would produce attractive-yet-affordably-priced eSarcasm T-shirts and hats. (Coming soon to your favorite Web site!)

* Throw out the Steve Jobs souvenir pendants we received after listening to Chinese President Hu Jintao speak at last year’s iPhone Tech Talk World Tour.

* Replace our office fortune cookie stash with boxes of Nabisco Nutter Butters. We’ve already asked Dr. Smartass to start writing meaningless proverbs on each wrapper to help ease the transition.

* Play Guns N Roses’ “Chinese Democracy” until our ears bleed.

* Discontinue our collaboration with Chinese scientists on a combo Marissa Mayer/Foxxxy Roxxxy fembot. It’s a damn shame, too; the engineers in LongDong were this close to making it happen.

* Give away all of our Chynna Phillips CDs (they kinda sucked anyway).

* Replace our screensaver of Chinese hottie Gong Li wearing a thong bikini with a screensaver of the Dalai Lama wearing a thong bikini.

* Show our support for free and unrestricted Internet search by looking up lots of online porn. Hey, it’s the least we can do.

Through these actions we hope to send a clear and deliberate message: Fuck you, China. Fuck you and the 1.3 billion horses you rode in on.

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