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eSarcasm Pulls Out of China

Even the world’s greatest geek humor site can only take so much evil. Like Google, we’re giving China the finger — and a lot more. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@eSarcasm)

January 14, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

A statement from eSarcasm:

Joining in solidarity with our comrades at Google, we have elected to no longer do business with China.

We reached this gut-wrenching decision after discovering that our email servers had been hacked, our computers infected with spyware, our DVD collection totally messed up, and our cat impregnated.

Only one force on the planet had the capacity and resources to do this: The evil red empire. We are ultimately compelled to say, enough is enough.

In addition, we’re taking the following steps, effectively immediately:

* De-friend Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao on Facebook. We’re deleting all his tweets, too, the fucker.

* Stop ordering takeout from the Green Tea restaurant (though we’re really going to miss the Beef Brisket in Wikipedia Flavor).

* Officially withdraw our applications to become Chinese astronauts. We never would have passed the "pleasant and adaptable disposition" requirement, anyway.

* No longer watch reruns of “Kung Fu” on TVLand. This is an especially large sacrifice for JR, whose favorite office past time is playing “snatch the pebble from my hand, grasshopper” (only he’s not holding a pebble — ’nuff said).

* Delete those oppressive iLove the Government and Cultural Twitterlution apps from our our iPhones. From now on it’s strictly Ho-B-gone and iPhat.

* Cancel plans for a sweatshop in Shanghai that would produce attractive-yet-affordably-priced eSarcasm T-shirts and hats. (Coming soon to your favorite Web site!)

* Throw out the Steve Jobs souvenir pendants we received after listening to Chinese President Hu Jintao speak at last year’s iPhone Tech Talk World Tour.

* Replace our office fortune cookie stash with boxes of Nabisco Nutter Butters. We’ve already asked Dr. Smartass to start writing meaningless proverbs on each wrapper to help ease the transition.

* Play Guns N Roses’ “Chinese Democracy” until our ears bleed.

* Discontinue our collaboration with Chinese scientists on a combo Marissa Mayer/Foxxxy Roxxxy fembot. It’s a damn shame, too; the engineers in LongDong were this close to making it happen.

* Give away all of our Chynna Phillips CDs (they kinda sucked anyway).

* Replace our screensaver of Chinese hottie Gong Li wearing a thong bikini with a screensaver of the Dalai Lama wearing a thong bikini.

* Show our support for free and unrestricted Internet search by looking up lots of online porn. Hey, it’s the least we can do.

Through these actions we hope to send a clear and deliberate message: Fuck you, China. Fuck you and the 1.3 billion horses you rode in on.

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  • I am certain that all of the tech pundits are going to praise eSarcasm to the heavens, and are going to emphatically claim that eSarcasm's actions demonstrate that eSarcasm is a friend of democracy, and has taken its brave stand as a way to demonstrate eSarcasm's commitment to freedom. After all, eSarcasm is universally identified with the phrase “screw no boll weevil,” and this brave action demonstrates eSarcasm's commitment to the truth behind that statement. Or something.

    Well, forgive me for being a contrarian, but I believe that the evidence clearly shows that eSarcasm is NOT pulling out of China because of any commitment to freedom or democracy. No, nothing of the sort.

    What I believe is that either Dan or JR found an authoritative article warning of the dangers of MSG. For example, this article states the following:

    The MSG manufacturers themselves admit that it addicts people to their products. It makes people choose their product over others, and makes people eat more of it than they would if MSG wasn't added. Not only is MSG scientifically proven to cause obesity, it is an addictive substance. Since its introduction into the American food supply fifty years ago, MSG has been added in larger and larger doses to the pre packaged meals, soups, snacks, and fast foods we are tempted to eat every day. The FDA has set no limits on how much of it can be added to m food. They claim it's safe to eat in any amount. But how can they claim it's safe when there are hundreds of scientific studies with titles like these: 'The monosodium glutamate (MSG) obese rat as a model for the study of exercise in obesity.' Gobatto CA, Mello MA, Souza CT, Ribeiro IA. Res Commun Mol Pathol Pharmacol. 2002.

    After reading something like that, it's a no-brainer that eSarcasm management would choose to cut ties with the evil providers of MSG – merely out of a sense of self-preservation. But the tech illuminati, with their poisoned minds, are unable (or unwilling) to admit this.

    I'd write more, but I have to arrange to buy some gold and a ten-year supply of jerky for my mountain hideaway.

    • Damn it…we've been found out.

      On a side note, I could really go for some chow fun right about now.

  • billybaldwin0021

    dan & jr,

    suggit! 5 #1's/ 10 million sold/ 4 grammy noms. you're a douche!!

    • I dunno. I'm pretty sure Wen Jiabao only had three #1 records and 2 grammy nominations, though he has sold 800 billion records. when the choice is 'buy my record or work on a rice farm for the next 30 years,' you can see why.

  • GastonP

    Hey, Gong Li is 43 years old!
    We need Dr. Smartass to investigate how she does to keep so hot.

  • Microsoft supports China! We will obey the laws! We will even help rough up troublemakers!