Rants In Our Pants

Airport Security: No More Sausage Smuggling

The new line of body-scanning airport technology may put a stop to sausage smuggling, according to a serious news report. We retell the story with a healthy dose of double-entrendre.

By (@JRRaphael)

January 14, 2010

Packing large foreign meat in your pants could soon get you stopped at airport security. Body-scanning machines being phased in at American airports will be able to detect men hiding massive sausages in their shorts, according to a recent report in The Wall Street Journal, and prevent them from bringing their pork onto a plane.

Foreign sausages “are much more dangerous than people think,” a U.S. Customs and Border Protection official tells the WSJ. “Those items truly have the ability to spread disease.”

The government says it’s already detected many men trying to go through checkpoints with colossal salamis smuggled in their pants. Now, with the updated technology, it will be easier than ever to identify those attempting to violate the secure perimeter.

“Many Americans, both female and male, consider these foreign meats to be a delicacy,” a security analyst did not say. “The very sight of such meat can cause anyone to salivate — and that makes it incredibly hard for security agents to make sure every hole is filled.”

Privately, Customs and Border Protection agents no doubt wish they could bend over backwards to accommodate the foreign sausages. They know, however, that failing to wrap their hands around the threat could allow dangerous meat to slip in undetected. Even if the salami doesn’t actually probe the inner walls of the cockpit, just having the long package within the cabin signifies a hairy and potentially sticky situation.

“Previously, these meats have been able to penetrate our security forces,” a TSA official never remarked. “With the new technology being erected at our airports, we’re finally in a position to get a firm grasp on the smuggled sausages and prevent the problem from exploding in our faces.”

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter