Alternate Reality

BREAKING: Top 10 Reasons Why Google is Dissing China

In a stunning move, Google has repudiated China for alleged cyberspying. eSarcasm uncovers the real reasons why Google is so pissed.

By (@tynanwrites)

January 13, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Google has threatened to pull out of China after Chinese spies allegedly tried to hack into the gMail accounts of Human Rights activists.

In a sharply worded statement on the Official Google Blog, head legal counsel David Drummond said the company was reevaluating “the feasibility” of continuing to do business in China. He also added that, starting immediately, Google would no longer censor its Chinese search engine,

Soon Chinese Googlers may learn that Falun Gong is not the sound a spittoon makes when thrown down a flight of stairs, and that the Dalai Lama is not a bitter old drag queen with a messiah complex.

Sure, we believe Google’s reasons for suddenly not ignoring China’s human rights record after five years. Spies and hackers. Right.

Well… not exactly. eSarcasm has learned the causes for Google’s 180-degree flip on China are slightly more inscrutable. To wit:

10. They just learned that “Google” in Chinese sounds exactly like ‘suk mi dong’. It’s embarrassing.

9. They’re fed up with the Chinese dissing Guns N’ Roses. Axl rules!

8. Baidu is kicking Google’s lilly white ass and there’s not a damned thing they can do about it.

7. Sergey Brin just started playing Farmville with the Dalai Lama on Facebook. Boy did he have some stories to tell.

6. Peking officials refused to rename Great Wall ‘the gWall’.

5. They just saw footage of 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre on YouTube. Those guys really are dicks.

4. Chinese menus always claimed ‘with six you get egg roll,’ but visiting Google execs never got egg roll. A company can only take so much.

3. Mandarin for ‘Eric Schmidt’ translates into ‘face like monkey’s buttocks’. No wonder Chinese officials never showed him any respect.

2. It’s only temporary; 30 minutes from now Google will be hungry to invest in China again.

1. They’re tired of being stalked by some crazy Chinese lady named Bing.

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