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Those Hips Don’t Lie: Her Butt and Her Brain

News flash: There’s more to her derriere than meets the eye. Dr. Smartass dives into some surprising science behind the behind.

By (@doctorsmartass)

January 11, 2010

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassMy fellow science-lovers, you probably know by now that observing an attractive form can do more than simply get your fun-zone tingling — it can also help you learn a great deal about the beauty you’re so obviously ogling.

By “learn a great deal,” I don’t mean just figure out her cup size or get a glimpse of his power tools; I mean actually interpret meaningful data about what’s going on inside someone’s head. (You can consider the aforementioned measures added bonuses of your “research.”)

We’ve already looked at such titillating topics as what a woman’s breasts can tell you about her personality and how her walk can send signals about her personality. Today, we back things up to another favorite region of guys worldwide: the backside.

From my inbox:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

I’ll just say it: I’m an ass man. Is there any way I can justify my staring when a girl catches my gaze?


Brandon, oh Brandon, you cheeky young chap. I think I might be able to help.

As a well-rounded fake doctor, it’s my duty to know all about the well-rounded rump. I’m happy to report that a woman’s tush, believe it or not, can actually hold clues about her intellectual abilities. A tad ironic, no?

Scientists from the University of Pittsburgh and UC Santa Barbara “studied” 16,000 women with all different types of body shapes. They found the women with the bigger booties also had the bigger brains. (Your dear Dr. Smartass conducted a similar study, by the way, but only for observational purposes.)

Now, before you call me a bottom-dwelling bum, let me explain the science behind this phenomenon: The more body fat a lady has down below, the researchers say, the more polyunsaturated fatty acids she has up above — in her brain. The two seem to be positively connected.

“Thus, waist-hip ratio … should predict cognitive ability in women and their offspring,” the study concludes.

In the study, the curvy women — those with hourglass-style shapes — consistently scored better on cognitive tests. They also, your good virtual doc assumes, scored better in the bedroom.

So Brandon, you fanny-loving fool, take this research to heart. The next time you’re admiring the junk in a lady’s trunk, think about its scientific implications. Then, for the love of the gluteus, think about how you’re going to get in there and introduce yourself.


If you like big butts and you cannot lie,
Don’t worry — you’re just a guy.
When your stare is noticed by a fine young lass,
Cite science; tell her it’s a fine smart ass.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

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