Alternate Reality

EXCLUSIVE: New ‘Arrington 2.0’ to Debut at CES

The highly anticipated new Arrington release will include a spit shield, a customizable gender selection tool, and other groundbreaking innovations.

By (@eSarcasm)

January 7, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Arrington 2.0Amidst the high-tech toys and tablets set to debut at this year’s Consumer Electronics Show, eSarcasm has learned a brand new updated version of TechCrunch Editor and Worldwide Ethics Czar Michael Arrington will be introduced to the world.

The new Arrington 2.0, according to completely unfounded rumors that we’re going to publish as fact, is a dead simple upgrade from the version the tech world has come to know and love tolerate. Developed by computing company Fusion Garage, Arrington 2.0 includes many new and exciting features.

Among the changes:

  • Arrington 2.0 will incorporate a spit shield, similar to the sneeze guard employed at all-you-can-eat-buffets. This will prevent angry entrepreneurs miffed at their treatment in TechCrunch from sharing their bodily fluids in a non-consensual fashion.
  • Arrington GeishaSensationalizing rumors will be taken to new heights with the Arrington 2.0’s AutoSensationalize system. Based on the AutoRumor technology created for the CrunchPad, AutoSensationalize will allow you to input any hearsay and have it instantly transformed into ripshit-certified fact. Also doubles as a Cuisinart for hassle-free slicing and dicing.
  • Instead of just ignoring other people’s embargoes, the new Arrington 2.0 automatically generates its own embargoes…then shits all over them.
  • Version 2.0 will feature an auto-law-responder that scans all TechCrunch blogs for angry rants and automatically files suit against anybody who pisses Arrington off.
  • Now fully customizable in both gender and ethnicity. Try Female Asian Arrington for a spicy, estrogen-filled twist, or Angry Young Black Arrington for a stereotype-fulfilling, faux-slang-dropping delight!
  • UPDATE: The Arrington 2.0.1 patch has just been rolled out to all existing 2.0 models. It corrects a glitch in the Ethics Scold Generator that allows users to commit the same ethical violations they’re haranguing others about. In 2.01, Arrington will only be able to commit new brand new ethics violations.

    UPDATE 2: Sources that have proven reliable in the past indicate that Arrington 2.0 is in late-stage negotiations to be acquired by AOL – sorry, we meant Aol. — and that an offer sheet is circulating.

    UPDATE 3: Talks between Arrington 2.0 and Aol. have apparently broken down over a disagreement on where to put the periods in the newly merged Aolington 2..0

    UPDATE 3a: Actually, we made all that shit up. What can we say? You can only write about that damned Google phone so many times.

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