Alternate Reality

eSarcasm Uncovers Fatal Flaw in Nexus One Phones

Read our exclusive report on why Google’s new Android “superphone” is too big to not fail.

By (@tynanwrites)

January 7, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

phone_nexus_bigDespite approximately 5.27 million news reports and blog posts about Google’s Nexus One “superphone,” observers have overlooked a glaring — and most likely fatal — flaw in Google’s plan to dominate the handset market: The phone is simply too large.

Judging by the photo at right, the Android-powered handset appears to be 7 feet tall and 4 feet wide, making it more cumbersome than any cell phones currently on the market, with the possible exception of the AT&T Tilt. With an estimated weight of 187 pounds, the Nexus One is too hefty to fit in the pockets of any human being not named Kirstie Alley.

However, other observers who’ve seen this photograph* have posited an alternative theory that the Google employee pictured here, Sara Rowghani, is actually two inches tall. This would confirm earlier reports of an alleged plan by Google to shrink its employees, thus saving money on office space in a challenging economic climate.

Google has not responded to repeated requests for comment, which we can only interpret as confirming our account.

* Namely our own Dr. Smartass.

Photo: Wired, via AP.

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  • Josh

    Ha! Nice. Even Google themselves liked this one.

  • Observer1

    ( “Dr. Science is smarter than you are: HE has a master's degree.” — Duck's Breath Mystery Theater )

  • adfz

    I'm a phone expert and i think the size may come down to about 4ft in the coming year. 800 x 480 wont look too good on a 7ft phone. :(

  • joeyd

    Is this nerd humor?

    • We prefer “geek humor.” Nerds are way less good-looking.

      • A Nerd

        You're just jealous you're not as smart as a nerd.

    • Seriously?

      You are asking this on a site called eSarcasm: Geek Humor Gone Wild?

  • Zac

    I love it!

    But real flaw is that it only has 512MB for apps (not sure about the full memory capacity).

  • Ron

    Did they go back to using vacuum tubes and mechanical relays? If so, the huge power demands will surely diminish battery life or require being plugged into a 120 VAC outlet at all times.

    • dt

      actually, hamsters on exercise wheels. but they have to be replaced every 115 miles.

  • Gio

    Check out the other oversized Google App props here:

  • kushagrabhatia

    I think even 7ft would be little short :P
    why didnt you find a bigger poster or advertisment bolder which might be 30 * 15 Feets tall … it would make a better virtual Google phone .. right :P

  • pleb

    that particular model is dyno powered.

  • jeeves

    its not the size of the phone that counts… its how you text with it

  • Arun


  • This is not an enlarged phone and the lady is not 2 inches tall. This is a futuristic beaming station that will be a mode of transportation. You can either get beamed from one location to the next or you can just 'go green' and take the damn thing 'off the hook' and drive it to your next destination! This works best with 2 geeks or less! But not to worry about how to get your kids there, this phone will be so easy to operate, your pets will be able to use it !

    • hahaha

      You are GOD…..(that doesn't mean i'm ur *itch!!)

  • carson

    you're an idoit geekhead

    • dt

      as a general rule, if you're planning to call someone an idiot, you may want to look up how to spell it first. I'm just saying…

      • Seriously. What a mooron.

        • stoomy

          That's spelled, “moroon”.

  • Ron

    My phone is a lot smaller than that, but my girlfriend says even though she used to talk with a guy that had a really big phone, my little phone works just fine.

    • dt

      you keep telling yourself that, my friend.

  • Logan

    Hey half the point of having the latest and greatest phone is to show everyone how cool you are. People will see this from blocks away and understand just how important you really are.

  • TANG

    Thanks for confirming google’s alleged plan on shrinking their employee. I knew that was coming, but I didn’t know so soon. Almost the same time as they were releasing the Nexus phone.

  • Zog

    I thought that was the 3d holographic display mode (still in beta).Zog!

  • FreindsOfPatrick

    Shhh. Is noticed super secret cost cutting initiative by Google CFO, code name: “Segey, I shrunking Staff, yes!” Miniature Googlers being reducing significantly cost at notoriously excellent free cafes.

  • CGR

    Have you mentioned that the silence mode is used as a full body massage table???

    • There's one serious flaw, though: The happy ending option is only available on vibrate.

  • There's one serious flaw, though: The happy ending option is only available on vibrate.