Fresh Off The Griddle

Truth in Online Dating: A Translation Guide

Truth in Online Dating: A Translation Guide

Been burned by Match.com? Is eHarmony a bit out of tune? Let our guide help you figure out the right way to read those lonely hearts ads.

7 Simple Rules of Online Dating

7 Simple Rules of Online Dating

Hooking up with someone online doesn’t have to be difficult. Just follow these seven simple rules, and you’ll be clicking your way to climactic glory.

Your Cheatin’ Art

Your Cheatin’ Art

Want to break a few Commandments? Sites like the Ashley Madison Agency make adultery as easy as 123. But repent, would-be sinners, before you tumble into the pit of Hell.

Your Avatar Is Fat, Ugly, and Stupid — Just Like You

Your Avatar Is Fat, Ugly, and Stupid — Just Like You

Microsoft’s working on a new system that’d build realistic-looking avatars based on how fit or fat you are. Here are nine big ways we hope the technology will be embraced.

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eSarcasm Spotlight

This Just In: Beautiful Women Are Hazardous to Your Health

This Just In: Beautiful Women Are Hazardous to Your Health

A new study concludes that being forced to hang around gorgeous women does bad things to men. Where can we sign up for one of those studies?

Quickies

iToons: Even the Elves Have Hardware Failures

iToons: Even the Elves Have Hardware Failures

They may work for Santa, but the IT elves at the North Pole still have their share of server problems.

Video: Exclusive Preview of Kanye West’s New Twitter Rap Video

Video: Exclusive Preview of Kanye West’s New Twitter Rap Video

Kanye West has been baring his soul on Twitter. Now his tweets are a music video. Prepare to experience him as you never have before — 140 characters at a time.

iToons: Is That a Smartphone In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

iToons: Is That a Smartphone In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

If you aren’t careful, some of these new supersized smartphones may give someone the wrong impression.

Hump Day Hottie: Bianca Kajlich

Hump Day Hottie: Bianca Kajlich

Meet the ex-wife of US soccer star Landon Donovan. Now we finally have a reason to pay attention to the World Cup.

More Recent Stories

Upgrade Emotions: A Platform-By-Platform Analysis

Upgrade Emotions: A Platform-By-Platform Analysis

Upgrades elicit different emotions for different platforms. This highly scientific chart explains the most common reactions to a new system upgrade from owners of iOS, Android, and Windows devices.

The 18 Commandments of the Internet Comment Troll

The 18 Commandments of the Internet Comment Troll

Internet Comment Trolls, your secrets are out! We’ve uncovered a highly confidential document detailing the rules that guide everything Internet Comment Trolls say and do. An eSarcasm exclusive.

NORAD Accidentally Fires on Santa

NORAD Accidentally Fires on Santa

Air defense command officials say a nuclear missile narrowly avoided taking out Father Christmas this morning as he delivered toys to the children of the Far East. Google may be to blame.

Santa Claus Denies Sexual Harassment Allegations

Santa Claus Denies Sexual Harassment Allegations

Beloved children’s icon vehemently denies charges that he forced elves to sit on his lap and spread their Christmas cheer. An exclusive report.

Scientists Discover New Element Based on Michael Arrington, Apologize Profusely Afterwards

Scientists Discover New Element Based on Michael Arrington, Apologize Profusely Afterwards

Urasium, an ignoble gas based on superheated emissions from the former TechCrunch founder, has become the 116th element in the Periodic Table. A nation of chemists mourn.

Five People You Really Don’t Want to See Naked and Yet Here They Are – Naked

Five People You Really Don’t Want to See Naked and Yet Here They Are – Naked

Even worse, they’re all guys. Can we do SEO or what?

Snowden Meets Seuss: Oh, The Places He’ll Go

Snowden Meets Seuss: Oh, The Places He’ll Go

Where do you go when you’re Edward Snowden? Here’s some advice from the late great Dr. Seuss.


eSarcasm Favorites

Myspace to Launch Its Own Smartphone, Sources Say

Myspace to Launch Its Own Smartphone, Sources Say

The Facebook phone may be a no-go, but another social network is building its own device. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Myspace phone.

What Your Username Says About You

What Your Username Says About You

A username can make or break you on the Net. So does your handle say “stud” or “dud”? Dr. Smartass has some guidelines to help you figure it out.

The 10 Dumbest Questions People Ask on Quora

The 10 Dumbest Questions People Ask on Quora

Of course, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people. And many of them are on Quora, the newest social media darling. What the frak is Quora? Don’t ask us.

Flavor Flav Named ‘Least Dangerous Celebrity in Cyberspace’

Flavor Flav Named ‘Least Dangerous Celebrity in Cyberspace’

Searching for Flavor Flav on the Web poses virtually no danger of contracting malware, security analysts say. “Quite frankly, no one gives a rat’s ass about that guy,” one engineer explains.

Some Big News About Breasts

Some Big News About Breasts

Something big is happening in the world of breast research. Really big. Super-duper big. Are you ready for this?

Hello, I’m the Mayor of Gonorrhea

Hello, I’m the Mayor of Gonorrhea

You can now earn Foursquare badges for getting STD tests, so why stop there? eSarcasm is proud to offer a new line of Foursquare sex badges, including the SlutScout and the Back Door Master.

Looking for Porn in All the Wrong Places and Other Google Search Stories

Looking for Porn in All the Wrong Places and Other Google Search Stories

Google wants you to share your ‘search story’ with the world on YouTube. After seeing some of our search stories, they might just change their minds.