Fresh Off The Griddle

Truth in Online Dating: A Translation Guide

Truth in Online Dating: A Translation Guide

Been burned by Match.com? Is eHarmony a bit out of tune? Let our guide help you figure out the right way to read those lonely hearts ads.

World’s Largest Telescope Causing Unexpected Arousal

World’s Largest Telescope Causing Unexpected Arousal

Countless women are becoming inexplicably turned on by news of the world’s largest telescope, now set to be built in Hawaii.

Abercrombie Introduces New ‘Slut Gene’ Slut Jeans

Abercrombie Introduces New ‘Slut Gene’ Slut Jeans

Inspired by the discovery of a so-called “slut gene,” Abercrombie & Fitch has created a new kind of apparel for women who are proud to be promiscuous.

Exclusive: Facebook to Take Over United States Postal Service

Exclusive: Facebook to Take Over United States Postal Service

What happens when Facebook runs the post office? We’re about to find out. An eSarcasm exclusive.

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eSarcasm Spotlight

Breaking: Google in Discussions to Acquire eSarcasm for $50 or More

Breaking: Google in Discussions to Acquire eSarcasm for $50 or More

The search giant is once again in talks to engulf and devour eSarcasm in a deal valued at nearly three figures, sources report. An eSarcasm exclusive.

Quickies

Hump Day Hottie: Georgia Salpa

Hump Day Hottie: Georgia Salpa

This lovely Irish lass makes us green with envy.

Hump Day Hottie: Elizabeth Banks

Hump Day Hottie: Elizabeth Banks

Some banks we wouldn’t mind bailing out. Our favorite one is named Elizabeth.

Hump Day Hottie: Sarah Jean Underwood

Hump Day Hottie: Sarah Jean Underwood

Meet Sarah Jean, the silver screen’s new scream queen

Video: How Hot Chicks Can Solve Facebook’s Privacy Problems

Video: How Hot Chicks Can Solve Facebook’s Privacy Problems

You can breathe a sigh of relief: Facebook’s privacy problems are about to be a thing of the past, and we have the hot chicks of the world to thank.

More Recent Stories

Upgrade Emotions: A Platform-By-Platform Analysis

Upgrade Emotions: A Platform-By-Platform Analysis

Upgrades elicit different emotions for different platforms. This highly scientific chart explains the most common reactions to a new system upgrade from owners of iOS, Android, and Windows devices.

The 18 Commandments of the Internet Comment Troll

The 18 Commandments of the Internet Comment Troll

Internet Comment Trolls, your secrets are out! We’ve uncovered a highly confidential document detailing the rules that guide everything Internet Comment Trolls say and do. An eSarcasm exclusive.

NORAD Accidentally Fires on Santa

NORAD Accidentally Fires on Santa

Air defense command officials say a nuclear missile narrowly avoided taking out Father Christmas this morning as he delivered toys to the children of the Far East. Google may be to blame.

Santa Claus Denies Sexual Harassment Allegations

Santa Claus Denies Sexual Harassment Allegations

Beloved children’s icon vehemently denies charges that he forced elves to sit on his lap and spread their Christmas cheer. An exclusive report.

Scientists Discover New Element Based on Michael Arrington, Apologize Profusely Afterwards

Scientists Discover New Element Based on Michael Arrington, Apologize Profusely Afterwards

Urasium, an ignoble gas based on superheated emissions from the former TechCrunch founder, has become the 116th element in the Periodic Table. A nation of chemists mourn.

Five People You Really Don’t Want to See Naked and Yet Here They Are – Naked

Five People You Really Don’t Want to See Naked and Yet Here They Are – Naked

Even worse, they’re all guys. Can we do SEO or what?

Snowden Meets Seuss: Oh, The Places He’ll Go

Snowden Meets Seuss: Oh, The Places He’ll Go

Where do you go when you’re Edward Snowden? Here’s some advice from the late great Dr. Seuss.


eSarcasm Favorites

Sweet China o’ Mine: The Song

Sweet China o’ Mine: The Song

Our take on the Google-China saga, set to the tune of Guns N’ Roses’ “Sweet Child o’ Mine.”

Michael Bolton to Release ‘Worst Of’ Retrospective

Michael Bolton to Release ‘Worst Of’ Retrospective

Bolton to revisit embarrassingly bad songs as part of compilation for new Amazon music-streaming service; Phil Collins reportedly in talks as well.

Breaking: Google in Discussions to Acquire eSarcasm for $50 or More

Breaking: Google in Discussions to Acquire eSarcasm for $50 or More

The search giant is once again in talks to engulf and devour eSarcasm in a deal valued at nearly three figures, sources report. An eSarcasm exclusive.

The Dirty Dozen: 12 Preposterous Product Names

The Dirty Dozen: 12 Preposterous Product Names

Care for a Portable Penetrator, or perhaps some Jussipussi with a scoop of CreaMass? Yeah…we couldn’t make this shit up if we tried.

Sex Secret: Women Love Hairy Geeks

Sex Secret: Women Love Hairy Geeks

Screw the square-jawed, six-packed stunners — good old-fashioned geeks are what women really want. Just ask Dr. Smartass.

Which Social Network Is Right For You?

Which Social Network Is Right For You?

According to a new study by Nielsen, preppies flock to Facebook while greasers mingle on MySpace. But where should the rest of us go? Here’s a handy guide.

25 Ways to Tell If You’re a Hopeless Geek

25 Ways to Tell If You’re a Hopeless Geek

Have you gone full dweebtard? Hey, it can happen to the best of us. Take our 25-question true or false quiz to find out.