Fresh Off The Griddle

Truth in Online Dating: A Translation Guide

Truth in Online Dating: A Translation Guide

Been burned by Match.com? Is eHarmony a bit out of tune? Let our guide help you figure out the right way to read those lonely hearts ads.

22 Things We Don’t Give a Rat’s Ass About

22 Things We Don’t Give a Rat’s Ass About

We tried, honest we did. But we just don’t give a damn about white iPhones, 4G networks, Windows Phone 7, or how much hair Christine O’Donnell has on her nether bits. Sorry.

7 Simple Rules of Online Dating

7 Simple Rules of Online Dating

Hooking up with someone online doesn’t have to be difficult. Just follow these seven simple rules, and you’ll be clicking your way to climactic glory.

Hello, I’m the Mayor of Gonorrhea

Hello, I’m the Mayor of Gonorrhea

You can now earn Foursquare badges for getting STD tests, so why stop there? eSarcasm is proud to offer a new line of Foursquare sex badges, including the SlutScout and the Back Door Master.

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eSarcasm Spotlight

7 Things That’ll Stop You From Becoming a Chinese Astronaut

7 Things That’ll Stop You From Becoming a Chinese Astronaut

China’s searching for “superhumans” in its next-generation of astronauts, and anything from bad breath to body odor will take you out of the running. Think you could pass the test?

Quickies

iToons: CrackBerry Downgraded In America’s War on Drugs

iToons: CrackBerry Downgraded In America’s War on Drugs

Thanks to a massive decrease in usage, the U.S. government says RIM’s BlackBerry phone — aka the CrackBerry — is no longer a target in the war on drugs.

iToons: The Danger of Hands-Free Driving Laws

iToons: The Danger of Hands-Free Driving Laws

Texting is distracting us from driving, you say? That’s not how we see it.

Hump Day Hottie: Mariska Hargitay

Hump Day Hottie: Mariska Hargitay

The star of Law and Order: SVU is a mom at 47 and still hot at any age.

Hump Day Hotties: The Weiner Gals

Hump Day Hotties: The Weiner Gals

Meet Megan Broussard, Lisa Weiss, and Ginger Lee — three members of Anthony Weiner’s dubious online harem.

More Recent Stories

Upgrade Emotions: A Platform-By-Platform Analysis

Upgrade Emotions: A Platform-By-Platform Analysis

Upgrades elicit different emotions for different platforms. This highly scientific chart explains the most common reactions to a new system upgrade from owners of iOS, Android, and Windows devices.

The 18 Commandments of the Internet Comment Troll

The 18 Commandments of the Internet Comment Troll

Internet Comment Trolls, your secrets are out! We’ve uncovered a highly confidential document detailing the rules that guide everything Internet Comment Trolls say and do. An eSarcasm exclusive.

NORAD Accidentally Fires on Santa

NORAD Accidentally Fires on Santa

Air defense command officials say a nuclear missile narrowly avoided taking out Father Christmas this morning as he delivered toys to the children of the Far East. Google may be to blame.

Santa Claus Denies Sexual Harassment Allegations

Santa Claus Denies Sexual Harassment Allegations

Beloved children’s icon vehemently denies charges that he forced elves to sit on his lap and spread their Christmas cheer. An exclusive report.

Scientists Discover New Element Based on Michael Arrington, Apologize Profusely Afterwards

Scientists Discover New Element Based on Michael Arrington, Apologize Profusely Afterwards

Urasium, an ignoble gas based on superheated emissions from the former TechCrunch founder, has become the 116th element in the Periodic Table. A nation of chemists mourn.

Five People You Really Don’t Want to See Naked and Yet Here They Are – Naked

Five People You Really Don’t Want to See Naked and Yet Here They Are – Naked

Even worse, they’re all guys. Can we do SEO or what?

Snowden Meets Seuss: Oh, The Places He’ll Go

Snowden Meets Seuss: Oh, The Places He’ll Go

Where do you go when you’re Edward Snowden? Here’s some advice from the late great Dr. Seuss.


eSarcasm Favorites

Abercrombie Introduces New ‘Slut Gene’ Slut Jeans

Abercrombie Introduces New ‘Slut Gene’ Slut Jeans

Inspired by the discovery of a so-called “slut gene,” Abercrombie & Fitch has created a new kind of apparel for women who are proud to be promiscuous.

Your Cheatin’ Art

Your Cheatin’ Art

Want to break a few Commandments? Sites like the Ashley Madison Agency make adultery as easy as 123. But repent, would-be sinners, before you tumble into the pit of Hell.

Pinocchio Sex Tapes Circulating Across Net

Pinocchio Sex Tapes Circulating Across Net

A porn video featuring the star of “Shrek Forever After” with an underage Marionette is spreading across the Web. Really. Would we lie to you?

Walk This Way: Her Strut and Her Sexuality

Walk This Way: Her Strut and Her Sexuality

The way she walks can tell you a lot about the way she does certain other things. Dr. Smartass explains in this week’s reader Q&A.

Urologists Concerned Over Rise In U.S. Smartphone Penetration

Urologists Concerned Over Rise In U.S. Smartphone Penetration

“Why anyone would do that to a piece of technology is beyond me,” says one physician.

Scientists Solve Mystery of How Cats Drink Without Getting Wet

Scientists Solve Mystery of How Cats Drink Without Getting Wet

Scientists have finally uncovered the answer to one of nature’s most elusive mysteries. And it’s a lot simpler than you think.

eSarcasm’s Tech Lingo Translation Guide

eSarcasm’s Tech Lingo Translation Guide

Think you know tech lingo? You’re probably wrong. From “social media expert” to “pwning a n00b,” our superaccurate translation machine reveals the real meaning of all your favorite tech phrases.